lovelosslife: a mix tape
by uptightcrankyshadownet
Summary: Alex-centric, detailing her relationships and her life. Alex/Amanda, Percy, Thom, Jaden, Robbie, Nathan, Sean, Michael, Birkhoff, Sonya, Ryan, Owen, and Nikita. Non-explicit mentions of sex.


PLAYLIST: LOVE/LOSS/LIFE

PLAY

1. BEAUTIFUL DISASTER BY JON MCLAUGHLIN (INDIANA)

_She would change everything, everything, just ask her  
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster  
She just needs someone to take her home… _

Some people think that Hell is fire and brimstone, demonic laughter and punishment for all the sins you've ever committed in your lifetime.

Alex knows better- after all, she's gone through Hell and back. Hell is having watched her father die in front of her. Hell is a daily routine of stripping her body bare for an endless stream of customers- with each one she services, a part of her innocence, her soul, is ripped from her. Hell is living in a constant haze of dull nothingness, her bloodstream dirty with drugs. Hell is needing a hit every hour of the day. Hell is watching the only friends she's ever had- prostitutes under her pimp's so-called care- die in front of her when they don't receive critical medical attention when they need it or when they throw themselves off buildings under the influence of narcotics.

_Anything is better than this _is Alex's constant mantra while on the streets, selling sex to keep herself alive. And she knows that the moment she's offered an escape route- whether it be into the welcoming arms of a new family or into the life of underground gangs- she'll take it in a heartbeat.

Someone. Anyone. _Please._

NEXT

2. JAR OF HEARTS BY CHRISTINA PERRI (LOVESTRONG)

_And it took so long just to feel alright  
Remember how to put the light back in my eyes  
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed  
Cause you broke all your promises…  
And who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me, don't come back at all… _

In a way, Amanda saved her.

In another, she destroyed her. All over again.

Alex remembers all of Nikita's warnings when she infiltrates Division as an agent-in-training. Amanda's mind-games. Amanda's torture. Amanda's way of getting so deep into your subconscious you're dead before you realize what's going on. She remembers flinching at how it hits close to home when Nikita lays out the times she's had sex with the _real _leader of Division on that dreaded couch.

But hearing about something is never the same as experiencing it for yourself. And when Alex finds herself on that selfsame couch with her eyes locked on the ceiling, nails digging against Amanda's scalp and her head between her legs- she loses it. Completely.

_We can protect you._

She hates it, hates thinking about the dull ache and torn indecision she felt back then. It's so hard to decide who to trust because much as Alex believes Nikita's every word, there's just _something _about Amanda that throws anyone and everyone off.

_We can save you._

Alex is used to broken promises and empty words and lies that shape her life. And she knows now that she was stupid to believe this new lease on life would be any different- but she's _craved _love and affection and tenderness all her life. Nikita gave her protection and training and discipline, and granted, so did Division, but the words that dripped like honey from Amanda's lips.

_We can love you._

She hung on to what she thought was love. And who can blame her, even after Nikita's countless warnings?

_I can love you._

The Russian heiress remembers how Amanda said that in that silky-soft tone in the throes of orgasm and how she _believed _it.

She's used to heartbreak. But this betrayal made her fall further than she ever thought was possible.

NEXT

3. DEVIL MAY CRY BY THE WEEKND (CATCHING FIRE SOUNDTRACK)

_It won't be in vain, to swallow all your pain  
And learn to love what burns, and gather courage to return to  
Faces in the crowd, faces in the crowd will smile again  
And the devil may cry, and the devil may cry  
At the end of the night…  
You'll put a smile upon their faces  
The world will be yours for the taking  
The story you birth will be ageless  
Just learn to love pain and be patient… _

Fucking Percy is very, very different from fucking Amanda.

Alex remembers _having sex _with Percy. She remembers _making love _to Amanda. In hindsight, she supposes it's true that making a deal with the Devil isn't as horrific as it seems. "The Devil's terms are harsh. But at least he is honest about them."

She keeps her objective at the back of her mind when her back is pressed parallel to the cold floor of Percy's office and she detaches herself entirely from the experience. When he spreads her legs and slides inside her she imagines setting him on fire, perishing in a blaze of inferno not unlike the way her father died. She loops the faces of her fellow Division agents in her mind and tries to imagine their expressions when they discover she's freed them- that they have their lives back again. _Their _lives. Their puppet strings cut so they can finally, _finally _be free to truly live without having to kill. Her lips curl up into a smile when she imagines the light in the eyes of the man on top of her dimming when she kills him.

She will play the waiting game. She will free them all. She will free herself. And for that she allows herself to be used the same way she was treated as meat back as a whore.

It will be _so _worth it.

NEXT

4. CARAPHERNELIA BY PIERCE THE VEIL (SELFISH MACHINES)

_What if I can't forget you?  
__I'll burn your name into my throat, I'll be the fire that'll catch you  
__What's so good about picking up the pieces?  
__What if I don't even want to?... _

Thom is the one who grabs her and holds her close when she's under the car and starts hyperventilating. Her hands and jaw are numb and she can't do anything but try and suck more oxygen into her starved lungs, and he whispers soothingly into the shell of her ear and tells her _it's okay, calm down, breathe._

They make love just once, hurried and breathless in the haze of fear and uncertainty- just once before Thom breathes his last breath on the floor of Division. Alex feels her tears blur her vision till she can't see a thing- and maybe that's what she wants. She can't bear to see his eyes darken and feel that strange peace and stillness surround him when he takes his last breath. It feels like a dozen poison-tipped arrows piercing her in the heart when she frames him for being Nikita's mole in Division.

He doesn't deserve it. God, he doesn't deserve it. But she needs to keep herself alive and keep the deception going.

His visage haunts her when she sleeps at night. Alex isn't sure she ever really _loved _him, but he died for her. In so many ways she can't begin to comprehend. She wakes up at three in the morning shaking with silent sobs and tears staining her cheeks, whispering the same thing over and over again into her hands, fingers knotted together in what seems like prayer. "I'm sorry. _I'm sorry._"

They say the one left behind suffers more- and she knows firsthand it's the gospel truth. She wants justice, and she's known from the start there'd be a price to pay. But now she's footing the bill… she had no idea how costly it could really get.

One night she hopes she'll be able to shut her eyes and his face won't appear in her mind- but she knows it won't be for a long, long time.

NEXT

5. FIX YOU BY COLDPLAY (X&Y)

_When you try your best but you don't succeed  
__When you get what you want and not what you need…  
__Lights will guide you home  
__And ignite your bones  
__I will try to fix you… _

Alex pities Robbie.

For one, he actually believes in what Division's doing.

And… hearing him talk about wanting to become a field agent just to get out of Division and see the world feels like a hand squeezing her heart far too tightly. The way his eyes seem to light up and shine a little brighter. He just wants to _get out. _And she just wants to make it happen for him. For _them._

His rage and disappointment and pure anguish after he's assigned as a guard, not a field agent, is enough to make Alex want to shatter into a million pieces.

When she kisses him, he kisses back and it's rough and furious and makes her lips feel like they're bruising. She can feel his wrath and his dismay in every clutch against her arm, her wrist, and she forgets to breathe for a long, long moment.

Alex offers him a way out to where he wants to go. But it's too late- for both of them.

NEXT

6. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE BY BOYS LIKE GIRLS (LOVE DRUNK)

_Cause everything you do and words you say  
__You know that it all takes my breath away  
__And now I'm left with nothing  
__So maybe it's true that I can't live without you  
__And maybe two is better than one… _

Her first impression of Jaden is that she's _such a fucking asshole._

Her impression of Jade sure as hell stays that way till the day Nathan's forced to shoot her to save Alex's life.

Okay, maybe she lied. So her first impression of Jaden was _hot. _And then it moved on a nanosecond later to _such a fucking asshole._

She's in love with Thom and they both know it. She blames Alex for his death and they both know it. She knows without a doubt that Alex's lying about his involvement with Nikita, and they both know it. By all three counts, Alex is pretty damn sure Jaden should hate her guts.

So why is it that on the mission, forced to work together, she ends up pressed against the wall in a utility closet illuminated by one flickering lightbulb with Jaden's fingers inside her, hitting her in all the right spots and ripping moans from her throat.

"Keep it down," Jaden hisses as Alex writhes under her ministrations. "Do you want people to hear us and jeopardize everything?"

Alex glares at her because _she's _not the one feelings waves upon waves of pleasure coiling in her stomach and bringing her _so, so _close to the edge. The light dims and in that second she comes, burying her face in the hollow of Jaden's shoulder and muffling her gasp.

She thinks she whispers Jaden's name. She thinks she hears her own name whispered.

(But it could just be her imagination.)

When Alex watches her fellow recruit twitch once on the floor then lie still, lifeless, it flashes through her mind, that moment of pure bliss and nothing but _pleasure _and she wants to scream. She musters the courage and willpower to tell Nathan to get out to protect him, and then nearly breaks down.

When will it _ever _end?

NEXT

7. SELF BACK HOME BY GYM CLASS HEROES (THE PAPERCUT CHRONICLES II)

_I don't know… where you're going or when you're coming home  
__I left the keys under the mat to our front door  
__For one more chance to hold you close  
__I don't know… where you're going, just get yourself back home…_

Nathan is her first- and maybe only- chance at some form of normality.

His life revolves around such… everyday things. Alex looks at his innocent smile and his relaxed demeanour and envies him so badly because he'll never, ever have to know what it's like to look over your shoulder all the time, to keep a gun under your pillow or taped under a table or be ready to kill in cold blood. Like a drowning man clutching at straws Alex clings on to him and even though she doesn't want to admit it, it's his run-of-the-mill life she loves more than Nathan himself.

He cares about her, and she knows it. And hell, maybe she does care about him too. Their relationship dynamic reminds her of Thom, and when she dreams about them with a daughter… she wants that life so _much. _The white picket fence life. Not having to commit murder and tear apart families and watch the light disappear from people's eyes.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to accept the invitation to the party, but he invites her to share his bed for the night and how can she say anything but _yes? _It's not the best sex she's ever had or will ever have but it's something because it's… _normal. _She thirsts for normal. Needs it like she needs air.

Just when Alex thinks she might have a shot at getting that, it's all snatched from her in the blink of an eye. She sees the horror in his eyes when he realizes he's killed someone, and she tells him to run, run as far as he can and never come back.

But she does want him to come back. To come back to her. So she waits. She waits for him to return, for their paths to cross again. She tries to keep faith that he made it out of there safe and he'll find his way back into her life once more.

And one day, she finally realizes she can't wait any longer.

NEXT

8. THE REASON BY HOOBASTANK (THE REASON)

_I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with every day  
__And all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away  
__And be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear  
__I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be  
__A reason to start over new, and the reason is you…_

He is the first person Alex believes she ever, truly loves in a romantic sense, and who she believes loves her back.

Sean's smile when he sees her lights up an entire room, and it makes something run through her blood, something that makes her want to bounce on the balls of her feet and smile forever. He believes in her. He makes her want to fly. He makes her want to start over all again; to leave all the mistakes behind and just escape with him. To somewhere safe, where they can live out their lives together in peace. Where they'll be together, forever.

When Sean kisses her it isn't laced with hidden poison like Amanda, it isn't harsh and angry like Robbie, it isn't heavy with lust and desire like Jaden, it isn't gentle like Nathan. It's passionate and needy and the perfect balance between giving and taking. Their hands don't shake when they tear off each other's clothes and his fingers intertwine with hers. He breathes innumerable _you are so beautiful_s against her skin, a sheen of sweat obvious on her collarbones, her forehead. He fills her in a way that leaves her wanting- needing- more, and the way he touches her borders on worship. She clutches at him and Alex never wants to let go. When he comes he throws his head back and cries out her name and it sounds like a prayer and a blessing all at once.

"I love you," She says, and she means it with all her heart.

"I love you too," He responds, and she knows he means it too.

Alex watches him sleep, kisses him awake.

And… she has to watch him die.

The last thing she ever shares with him is a kiss and his eyes close, never to open again.

In that second Alex spirals back down into her Hell once more.

NEXT

9. IT ENDS TONIGHT BY ALL AMERICAN REJECTS (MOVE ALONG)

_The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving  
__Maybe it's best you leave me alone  
__A weight is lifted on this evening  
__I give the final blow  
__When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight  
__Just a little insight won't make this right  
__It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight_

He tells her he sees her as a daughter. He tells her he's in love with Nikita. He tells her all that, and Alex can practically taste the bullshit.

It's a little hard not to find it all a bit ridiculous when they're fucking every single night with the lights off, under the sheets.

Michael repeats those same things every night after he's done making love to her, after he's done brushing kisses over her jaw and hips and ribcage. He swears he'll stop, he swears he'll stay faithful to Nikita from then on.

He never does. She can see the guilt in his eyes and wonders if he's too blinded by that to see the shame in hers as well.

He's not Sean. He'll never be Sean no matter how hard Alex tries to project his face on Michael's and hear Sean's moans and hisses instead of Michael's when he thrusts inside Alex and leaves lovebites on her shoulders. He sees her as Alex but she'll never really see him as _Michael. _Not really. Sean lives on in her heart, and one day she snaps when it's finally too much. She can't do _this _anymore, she can't pretend any longer. Her guilt and pain is driving her over the edge.

Alex can't do it. Not anymore.

"Michael," She interrupts his apology and customary guilt trip when they're done. "I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about?"

"That you'll never be Sean," Alex answers, the reply hoarse and scratchy. "That we have to stop. No more."

He practically radiates stunned shock and yet she can tell there's an element of clarity too.

"Of course," He responds, and it's so dull it makes her crack. Alex turns her back to him and stares at the window for the rest of the night, waiting for the sun to rise and the blackness to fade to sky blue, for the golden rays to blossom over the horizon. She listens for Michael's breathing pattern to slow and ease, until she's certain he's asleep. Then she waits wakefully until dawn breaks along with the lie.

NEXT

10. BOATS AND BIRDS BY GREGORY AND THE HAWK (BOATS AND BIRDS)

_You can skyrocket away and never come back  
__If you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly  
__Just leave me your stardust to remember you by… _

Of all the people to ever fall in love with after Sean, it has to be Birkhoff.

Alex doesn't remember exactly when she realizes she feels something for Birkhoff that resembles what she felt for Sean. When the camaraderie developed into something more. When she stopped liking Birkhoff, and started loving him.

The first time she tells him "I love you" it comes out rusty, probably because she hasn't said it since Sean lost his life protecting her. Birkhoff freezes and snaps his head up to stare at her, not comprehending. "What?"

"I said I love you."

"No, you didn't," It's an automatic reaction as he turns back to his laptop screen and she strides up, grabs his wrist, faces him. Her voice is rawer than she's heard it in a while. "Birkhoff. I love you. I mean it."

He pauses and his expression softens, but he doesn't meet her gaze. "Alex… why are you doing this?"

"Why am I doing what?" The frustration boils over and she either wants to kiss him or kill him- she isn't sure which one yet.

Birkhoff surveys her for a long moment, trying to gauge something. She thinks she hears his mutter "fuck this" under his breath before his lips meet hers and any other argument either of them had vanishes in a puff of smoke.

He's way more aggressive than she expects he'll be. Alex finds herself with her head between his thighs and his gasps ragged and his fingers entangled in her long locks and she's enjoying every second of it. He doesn't cry her name, he grinds it out through clenched teeth, grating it and making it near-unintelligble. He traces her name against her stomach and places butterfly kisses from her throat down to bellybutton and more, teases her late into the night.

Birkhoff makes Alex believe she could be happy with him. A different kind of happy as compared to Sean- a happy they'd achieve by fighting off their demons together, defeating the bad guys side by side. No normality, no peace, but maybe not _no happiness._

She loves him, so much. Which is why she lets him go when she spills out in unsure words and jumbled sentences that he's in love with Sonya- so much more than he's in love with her. Alex watches him fidget and knows he's never really felt that way for her, and so she smiles and tells him she understands… and she does. Seeing him joyful with Sonya is a different, more bittersweet kind of delight, but it's there.

It's another weight on her shoulders. But then again she's the master of casting those aside and moving on.

NEXT

11. JUST A KISS BY LADY ANTEBELLUM (OWN THE NIGHT)  
NEED YOU NOW BY LADY ANTEBELLUM (NEED YOU NOW)

_Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight  
__Just a touch of the fire burning so bright  
__I don't wanna mess this thing up  
__I don't wanna push too far…  
_

_It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now  
__Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now  
__And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now_

It starts out almost innocent. The kisses are too chaste, too sweet, to count as much. The light in Ryan's eyes is more friendly than loving, more affectionate than tender.

They darken just when Alex's begin to, as well. The late-night chats on the roof get deeper and more personal. Their body language changes. He moves closer to her and she leans in a little more. Their hands brush against each other's and one night she covers his body with her own and they make love underneath the velvet blanket of an endless sea of stars. Her hair drapes over his chest and she hears his heartbeat, a steady thrum that lulls her to sleep.

It's like Sean all over again, same, same yet different. All Alex knows is that she's so fucking desperate not to mess it up all over again. Not another Sean, not another person she loves dying for her, dying to keep her safe.

She discovers the hard way that it doesn't take war to tear people apart. They fight over the pettiest things. She says words that strike too deep and he retorts with things that make her eyes prick with hot tears. They scream into the neverending swirl of night and it isn't long before he comes to her and says _it's over._

Alex sits on the roof all alone for nights on end after that while Ryan retires early, the light in his window dimmed by the shades but constantly glowing till late into the wee hours.

One night she calls.

"Ryan," It's fifteen past one in the morning and she needs someone, anyone, but she wants it to be him. "Ryan, please, I'm lonely. Please. I'm on the roof, please come."

Does she wait seconds or minutes, years or months? It feels like all of it yet none of them all at once before he answers. It comes out clear as a bell devoid of any static or interference.

"Alex, I'm sorry."

There's an audible click on the other end and it's just the Udinov heiress staring at her cellphone with tears leaking from her eyes and the cold, cold starry night above her head.

NEXT

12. BITTERSWEET BY ELLIE GOULDING (BREAKING DAWN SOUNDTRACK)

_Your arms around me come undone, makes my heart beat like a drum  
__See the panic in my eyes, kiss me only when I cry  
__Cause you always want what you're running from  
__And you know this is more than I can take  
__Baby don't forget my name when the morning breaks us  
__Baby please don't look away when the morning breaks us  
__Oh your touch so bittersweet  
__Baby don't forget my name when the morning breaks us…_

Michael, Ryan and Birkhoff drop Alex and Sonya off in Mumbai to track the Shop from land after Alex explains exasperatedly that they can't _all _be in the damn plane and someone's got to do recon on the ground. They've got their safe house and Alex finally takes a breather when her feet find hit land once more.

That morning they land she finds her way to solid ground.

That night Sonya finds her way into Alex's bed.

"I don't want to be alone," She breathes against Alex's cheek.

Her lips tighten. "You don't have to be." Her arms cinch around Sonya's waist and she slides a hand down her shorts, and Alex devotes the rest of the twilight to making Sonya whimper and writhe with her back flat against the mattress.

She tries to kid herself into thinking Sonya says a drowsy "I love you" before she falls asleep with her arms still curled around Alex. Alex in turn stays up till daybreak studying the peaks and valleys of Sonya's slender frame and mapping the topography of her face in her mind.

Dark eyes open onto hers and flash with panic for a second, and Alex feels her heart sink. "Sonya?"

Sonya slowly draws back, pulling away from Alex, and the Russian girl feels herself cry out in her head. Perhaps Sonya sees the terror and anguish in her eyes which is why she presses a decisive kiss to Alex's lips but all she can read in it is _sorry _and _misunderstanding _and _stop. _

"You want this too," Alex's grip on Sonya's wrist is vise-like and fueled by frantic need. "Please-"

Her friend turns away and does a small graceful hop off the bed, not meeting Alex's gaze. "I… I'm sorry."

They don't speak about it again, and then Alex goes out on the field. It doesn't mean they forget.

NEXT

13. DEAR GOD BY AVENGED SEVENFOLD (AVENGED SEVENFOLD)

_Can't help but think of the times I've had with you  
__Pictures and some memories will have to help me through…  
__Some search never finding a way, before long they waste away  
__I found you, something told me to stay, I gave in to selfish ways  
__And how I miss someone to hold, when hope begins to fade... _

So maybe she should have seen it coming. That she lives the kind of life that requires people to instinctively take all sorts of metaphorical (and sometimes physical) bullets for her.

She and Sam have a tense relationship from the time it starts- a little tough not to mistrust him when he holds a gun to her head the first time they meet in forever. But when they have no choice but to work together it starts to ease. Owen listens and Alex understands. They don't curl up on the sofa and watch cheesy classic horror movies and share a giant tub of ice cream, but they do shoot someone and knock him out cold side by side.

"If it works," He shrugs when they drag him to a chair and tie him up, and she knows they'll never have classic dates (maybe shooting practice. Maybe boxing matches in a ring. All that crap). She grins at him and nods. "If it works."

With her, Owen seems to come alive more often than Sam. She loves that, and she loves that he seems to be more relaxed now when she calls him only Owen, never Sam. When she's afraid and frustrated it's amazing how quickly it goes away when her face's buried in his chest. His voice is a lullaby and it makes her feel warm, feel safe and sound. She needs him, needs him in a way that reminds her of Sean so badly it makes it hard to breathe.

The last thing Alex ever sees him do is dive in front of her and throw her to the floor so she doesn't get shot. The last thing Alex ever hears him say is her name. A bit like Emily's death, and the thought of it makes a bitter laugh escape from her lips. The Shop took him away from her with a single bullet through his heart. He dies in her arms, fingers splayed against her cheek, spends the last remnants of his strength by struggling out a weak "_I love you… so much… Alex_."

For a night after that she finds herself sobbing uncontrollably in her emptier-than-ever bed, unable to stop herself from shaking. She doesn't even notice Nikita wrapping her in an embrace and letting her scream her rage and despair. She just wants Owen back.

NEXT

14. SWEETER THAN FICTION BY TAYLOR SWIFT (ONE CHANCE)

_Now in this perfect weather it's like we don't remember  
__The rain we thought would last forever and ever  
__There you'll stand ten feet tall, I will say I knew it all along  
__Your eyes, wider than distance, this life is sweeter than fiction  
__There you'll stand next to me, all at once the rest is history  
__Your eyes, wider than distance, this life is sweeter than fiction_

Alright, so maybe all she ever wanted was right there in front of her all this time. Maybe she was too blind to see it.

All Alex knows is that _it's over._ After so much agony and heartache and suffering… _it's over. _Amanda is dead and buried. The Shop and Division will never, ever be resurrected, not if they can help it. Everything is back to where it ought to be in its rightful place.

"Everything is going to be okay." It only sinks in the day they're taking the plane to the Maldives for some rest and relaxation they're all sure they deserve. They toast to the fact that they can finally stop running, that they can stop looking over their shoulders, that they will finally have normal lives.

"It is," Nikita answers her and Alex turns around from her place, staring through the window of Blue Wolf Courier. She sounds so undeniably happy that it makes Alex smile, too.

"We've come so far, haven't we," Her sensei slides an arm around her shoulders, and Alex unconsciously rests hers on Nikita's shoulder. "I can't believe we finally did it. It feels like yesterday that I went to rob that pharmaceutical place and got recruited into Division."

"Mm-hmm." Alex doesn't even realize when Nikita's hand slips down to her waist and before she knows it she's looking into her mentor's eyes. The kiss is so unexpected and feels so different but at the same time, nothing but _right._

"Alex…" Nikita hesitates when she withdraws, inches away from Alex's face and from another kiss, and Alex hears the million questions in that single word. With another heated kiss she answers them all, and Nikita all but collapses in her arms.

It's all over and now it is, it feels like it never happened, feels so far away. Everyone else fades into the distance with Nikita by her side.

Hey, so maybe she's a cliché, falling for her best friend. But it's a good cliché, and she finally knows without a doubt that this is the woman she will spend her life with forever.

NEXT

15. THE TIME OF MY LIFE BY DAVID COOK (THE TIME OF MY LIFE)

_I've been waiting for my dreams  
__To turn into something I could believe in…  
__Gave in to love, watched all the bitterness burn  
__Now I'm coming alive, body and soul  
__Feeling my world start to turn…  
__Now I'm rising from the ashes  
__Finding my wings and all that I needed…  
__And now I'm on the edge of forever ready to run…  
__And I'll taste every moment, and live it out loud  
__I know this is the time, this is the time to be  
__More than a name or face in the crowd  
__I know this is the time… this is the time of my life._

Some people think that Paradise is fluffy white clouds and angels with halos in the Garden of Eden, endless joy and comfort for all the good things you've ever done in your lifetime.

Alex knows better- after all, she's living Paradise every single day. Paradise is playing like a kid on the beaches of the Maldives in Marriotts with her girlfriend by her side. Paradise is no longer having to look over her shoulder and live in fear. Paradise is having people she loves by her side without being afraid that she's going to lose them. Paradise is being free from Amanda's leash she's had on all of them for so long. Paradise is finally being happy. Paradise is this new life she's so, so glad she has.

_Nothing is better than this _is Alex's constant mantra when she falls asleep on the warm golden sand with the sound of the ocean waves lapping at the shore, the sun's rays casting a glow over everything in sight. And she knows she never wants things to change- that this is all she'll ever want, with people she loves more than life itself. They are finally safe, they are finally free, they are finally happy. It can only get better.

To whoever's watching over her. Thank you._ So much._

STOP


End file.
